I don’t even have words on how to start this post. It has been so long since I came to this space to write and I have sat at my laptop for several minutes without really knowing how to start, what to say, or where to begin.

My last post was from the midst of the pandemic and was truly written in a time of massive change and chaos. I had just had a baby (our first son), was teaching online from home, missing my loved ones terribly, and genuinely had so many questions floating through my head.

Here I am almost four years later, an additional son has been born, we have moved homes, jobs, lost several loved ones, gained even more little ones, and my life looks different and yet the same.

You may be wondering, why are you back in this space and rightly so. Why return to a blog I put away long ago? To be honest, its to invite you along for a new adventure, an endeavor you may call it. In the last four years I have learned to grow many things…vegetables, shrubs, trees, and loads of flowers. My love for growing things well exceeded my own expectations in the last few years and now I am beginning to spread the love of flowers to all of you.

Kyle and I have decided to create the Rustic Urban Family Farm (R.U.F.F.) and begin selling RUFF Cut Flowers in the 2024 season. We invite you to join us in this adventure of growing and selling our flowers to people in our community.

Never would I have imagined 4 years ago that I would be on this flower-filled adventure, but YOU NEVER KNOW where life will take you.

As I read the story of King Jehoshaphat tonight out of 2 Chronicles I was amazed at his continual faith in God. He trusted God with his own life, his kingdom, his wealth, and God gave him rest.

Jehoshaphat and the kingdom of Judah were about to be attacked. This alarmed Jehoshaphat and in the same breath he turned to the Lord for help (chapter 20, verse 3). Verse four says, “they came to seek the Lord.” How many times do I turn to everything but God first? How often is the Lord the last place I turn? I know I struggle with wanting to fix it myself. I struggle with feeling out of control. I struggle with becoming alarmed and focusing on the thing alarming me. Maybe this is the reason God has taken me through continual trials where I have zero chance of gaining or having any control.

Jehoshaphat then prays and in his prayer he says, “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

Let that sink in.

We do not know what to do.

BUT our eyes are on you.

Our eyes are on God.

Now, I am by no means an athlete, but great players look to their coaches for what to do. I am by no means a singer, but anyone who has been in a school choir knows that you watch the director for what to do. In times of health concerns, you look to the doctors for answers, solutions, and a healing plan.

Jehoshaphat didn’t know what to do, BUT his eyes were on God! Jehoshaphat looked to the One who would know what to do.

Right now, our world is being shutdown by a microscopic virus. We can think that using more hand sanitizer and wearing a mask is going to save us, but it is not the Savior. We may think that staying away from people and doing online shopping is going to sustain our health, but it is not the Sustainer. I can think that I am the one keeping my family safe, and healthy, and protected, but I am not the Protector, Provider, or Physician.

Friends, we need to do like Jehoshaphat and admit we do not know what to do, but put our eyes on God.

Today, my prayer is that I can admit I have no clue what to do and then put my eyes on God.

At the end of the battle, Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah rejoiced and praised the Lord for his defeat of the attackers. Verse 30 says, “So the realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet, for his God gave him rest all around.”

I look forward to the day we can praise God for defeating this virus! I long for the day we can rejoice TOGETHER that God has the victory. And then I pray we can find rest all around.

Walls are built for many reasons. Privacy. Protection. Security. Barriers. The walls of Jericho were to protect the city, the people inside, the king. The walls stood tall to guard the people within. The walls had few openings and could be locked down easily.

People build walls around things figuratively as well. Walls around our hearts to protect from being hurt emotionally. Walls around our mind to guard from evil thoughts and the pursuit of outside influences. Walls around our relationships to provide safety from being torn apart or growing apart.

I started mulling over this idea of walls as the pandemic spread and reached my ability to work. At first I thought it was clever to point out that we all want to build up physical walls to protect ourselves from the virus. I thought about how this would be an excuse for so many to continue to allow walls to be around their hearts but that God wanted to tear down the walls around their hearts and come in. Take residence in their lives, hearts, and souls.

These are still great thoughts but as I have read the story of Jericho multiple times this week, God is teaching me something different, much more personal. It’s not others’ hearts surrounded by walls that God wants me to focus on right now. It’s my own heart.

I cannot keep waiting for someone else to blow the ram’s horn and crumble the fear surrounding my life. A vaccine, treatment, and end to the pandemic is not what I need. I need to let the walls fall, blow the ram’s horn myself. I must lay my life in the hands on Jesus Christ, my Savior, my Redeemer, my ONLY hope!

A wall of FEAR has been built up surrounding my heart, mind, soul…surrounding me. It has been a daily fight, sometimes hourly, other times minute by minute to cast out fear. I’m not proud to type this. But as I sit in the driveway reading about Josiah’s faithfulness and Joshua’s obedience I am overcome by the need for the walls of fear to fall in my life.

I am not saying I am all good now. I am saying that I am going to daily, hourly, minute by minute focus on God and His faithfulness. His plans are good. He is my focus.

So while my physical walls remain as far as social distancing and sheltering at home, my heart is His!

I have been seeing a ton of posts with Joshua 1:9 lately. Little do people know, this verse hangs in Luke’s bedroom. I speak it over him, out loud, every time I change his diaper. I pray it for him continually. That verse I know and love.

The verse before it is the one I need to work on.

“Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” Joshua 1:8

Meditate, to think deeply or focus ones’ mind for a period of time. Well the period of time is listed in the verse, day and night. Mediate on the Bible day and night. Soak in God’s word.

I have been letting my bible study drift further down what I do each day and fear has snuck in and gripped me. But if I were to meditate on God’s word day and night, I would be better equipped to obey his word, which is to fear not, be strong and courageous, remember God is with me everywhere I go!

So while I continue to pray Joshua 1:9 over Luke, I am going to pray verse 8 for myself!

If you know us, you know our journey to parenthood was anything but easy. With three years between beginning to try and bringing home our first baby we walked a path it seems more and more people end up walking.

We have always wanted multiple children but after a treatment which did not work last year, we needed a break. I needed a time without tests, needles, and medicines (let my coworkers and family tell you just how crazy these meds make me), but I quickly began to mourn the loss of hope. Kyle used to say we were pregnant with hope. I was losing my hope for another baby. It wasn’t a constant mourn, but a sudden onset of tears at random times when I would realize that it may not be in God’s plan for me to ever carry another baby.

You see, one of the most frustrating parts of our diagnosis (unexplained infertility) is that we are medically healthy with no reasons doctors can find for not being able to conceive. On paper, it makes no sense why we could not get pregnant, but there we were again without a positive test, plus sign, or baby on the way.

Last Fall, I finally let go of my obsession to grow our family. I could not miss out on the miracle God had already given me just because I wanted her to be a big sister. I stopped counting days, paying attention to the the calendar, and I began to relish my time with Hannah! The pain would show up on occasion and would let hope sneak back in only to have it cruelly squashed three minutes later by another negative test. I would cry to my mom and Kyle knowing that I was the one who had let hope reappear when I knew in my head I don’t get pregnant.

April felt no different. Being late is a part of what comes with my diagnosis, so I ignored it. I wasn’t falling for that trick again. The one where I buy a test only to have it destroy my heart within moments. After a week, I told Kyle. After two weeks, we decided we should take a test. Just like each time before, I told myself to not get excited. Don’t let hope in. It’s not going to be any different this time.

Three minutes went by and I screamed! Never did I think this could happen. Doctors said our chances were 0.02% on our own! This baby is the miracle we never thought would come!

So when you say congratulations, trust me we appreciate it, but let me tell you who deserves the praise…my God! The Creator of Heaven and Earth! The One who loves me unconditionally! He is the one who has given us this miracle! He is the one who has created life in me! He is the Great I AM!